GRIEF: IN BITS AND PIECES
“...I'm learning all the hard ways a heart breaks, and you are a topic, a tutor, and an instructor in this lesson as it were.”
Bella
“Deep down, this kid is broken.”
Abidemi
1.
[Abidemi]
Deep down,
This kid is broken.
2.
[Abidemi]
Help me!
Please help me.
My world has fallen.
3
[Bella]
(How long shall we continue like this, sire? For how long? I'm not sure I can keep up with this energy anymore)
I see everything you're doing. I get the messages. I'm not blind to the signs, and I get them. Well done. That's what you should greet me: well done. Say me kudos, sire, I've done a great job ignoring, no, pretending not to have noticed them. Greet me kudos, sire
But then, I think we both have to greet ourselves "well done". Because we've been doing a good job of lying to ourselves. So well done, sire. Well done, Bella. You both have done great.
(But how long shall we continue like this, sire? How long? I'm not sure I can keep up with this energy anymore)
So I'll just stop at this point, and return your very attitude. We're fine, trust me. We are fine. It's just going to be a little distance, that's all. And I'm hoping, maybe, it'll help us value each other again. I'll stop the energy at this point. I have to. (Sobs)
Abidemi, you know this a demon Christ is taking away from me. However, I'm glad you're resurrecting it again. And I'm more than delighted to vent it all on you.
4.
[Bella]
Maybe I set you at the (epic) center of my life, and sincerely, I'm sorry I did so. I shouldn't have been so vulnerable and given you such authority, Abidemi. But then what's life without having experiences? How do we learn if we don't experience life in both the good and bad ways?
I'm learning all the hard ways a heart breaks, and you are a topic, a tutor, and an instructor in this lesson as it were.
5.
[Bella]
Now you call me selfish. Bidemi, me, selfish?! No!
How is me trying not to impose decisions based on what I feel is right for you selfish, Abidemi? Is that what you call selfish? Decisions regarding your life are yours to make. They are not within my jurisdiction to make for you. I could only influence them by giving you my advice- the tiny piece of my mind- which I think, no, we know I've done. But now, I bear the consequences for having done so.
I thought they say true friends, true lovers, tell each other the truth even when it hurts. Isn’t that what they say? Of course, it is. So how am I or how have I been selfish? Abidemi, tell me!
You know, lately you've taught me that sometimes it's better not to say anything at all; not the truth or a lie. But to stay silent. Because many times, if not most times, silence is a voice stronger than the voice of the truth or the lie.
(Sobs) So, if this path you've chosen to walk is what you've decided is the best path for you, I'll do what every other good person may do; wish you good luck.
Good luck on your journey, Abidemi. God be with you.
6.
[Abidemi]
Bella, I miss you. Sincerely, I do. (Sobs)
Yet, it's better this way: this distance between us.
And I'll always love you regardless of how we've turned out to be.
I'll always love you, my dear Bella.
7.
[Victoria]
Look, everybody is going through a lot, right now. We all have demons we are battling. Stop making yours look worse and like the biggest. Stop it! You're being selfish and self-centered. Stop it!
That I care to listen to you doesn't mean I'm strong. That I give you the little advice I can doesn't mean I know it all. I'm as troubled as you are. As challenged and confronted as you are. Yet I choose to (be selfless by) listen(ing) to you, carry you, bare you in my (feeble) hands. I choose to be 'selfless'.
But what about you? Be real fam, be real. Are you the same with me? Are you returning these energies?
8.
[Bella]
Everyday when you see me, you say I like to disappear, to get lost and away from people, and stay alone. But have you ever taken time to ask why? To want to know why I keep getting lost from people — from you? Have you ever tried? Then one day, you hit my DM and accuse me of being 'lost in this jungle', and I try to help you figure out why but you won't just allow me.
You think it's me again. You think I'm the problem.
You think I'm the one running.
You think people don't want to be my friend.
You think I feel bad about that.
But no. (Laughs) I am not. I'm not the problem.
You are!
You are selfish, like Abidemi, and you don't see it. You don't see you're the reason why I keep my distance. You don't see that you're being a bully, depriving me of my innocence and good nature of being friendly. You're selfish, don't you see it? Oh! You're blinded by your selfishness. I'm sorry.
Even after all these years, after all we’ve been through, after all we’ve shared, it’s really funny how you still don’t know me. It’s funny how you don’t know I’m not 'really this person’; how you don’t know how much I’ve tried my best to be this person for the little good it offers. They say, no tree makes a forest, and a drop of water doesn’t make an ocean. They’re right, you know. It’s necessary for one to make friends, it’s not compulsory. And I chose to look beyond the importance for the sake of the necessity. I chose to make you my friend, Victoria.
I shedded my skins to bring you closer to me, and it's like I shedded this skin so much, I did not know how to stop. So you don't appreciate it. You had options (you've always had) but I didn't. You were tired of me, I was too. But I didn't want to be a loner. So I clinged on for companionship, going under the waters for you, building my life totally dependent on you.
I paid the visit. Cooked your dishes. Took your insults as jokes. And called you my friend.
But is a friend someone that receives and never gives back? I gave to you, to us, but you were not giving back. It was all one-sided. It was partial. You were unfair, and you've always been…
9.
[Abidemi]
I'll come back for you, when this is all over.
I'd tell you everything, when this is all over.
It has been a lot without you here in my hands.
But I know, we'll find our love again. When this is all over.
We'll live our lives again, my dear Bella.
Oh, my dear Bella. (Sobs)
10.
[Bella]
(Laughs)
(But isn't this what you've wanted all along? Isn't it the 'more' you chased after?)
Abidemi, wasn't this what you wanted all along: this freedom
Is it not the 'more' you chased after?
Aren't you satisfied it is here now?
Aren't you satisfied you have it after all?
No! You are not.
It's not as satisfying as you expected it to be. You want more.
You want the bigger portion. You want the biggest portion.
Abidemi, please don’t come back for me. You’ll be so much disturbance. (Sobs) I’m learning, no, I’ve learnt already how to live with my pain, and make my grief my best friend.
This freedom is what you wanted all along. And now you have it.
Mother died!
And like Humpty Dumpty, my world had a great fall
which none of my horsemen, and you couldn’t fix.
And our love followed her to the grave.
Abidemi
• Bolu Animashaun
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